I carefully set each timer to 30 minutes in quick succession. There was a variety of them in all types and sizes. And there were a lot of them. I set them all to 30 minutes. The combined ticking of each of them together made an almost constant sort of crackling sound. Fortunately I was in a corner section where any people would be less likely to spot me. I knew there was security cameras. I could almost feel a team of heavily armed surveillance experts scrutinizing my actions in a NASA-like control room, walkie talkies in hand and a hair trigger away from calling in a code-red. I looked over at my wife, about 15 feet away, and gave her a slight nod over my shoulder - silently indicating she should watch my back. She gave me an irritated look and told me to cut it out. Damnit! No backup. It had just become a solo mission. I quickly finished my handiwork and strolled casually away, eyes sweeping back and forth, fully ready to tuck and roll should I see the telltale red dots of laser scopes. We had to get out fast. I tried to get us moving towards the front of the building. My wife wasted precious time, obviously unable to comprehend the impending chaos. We stopped at a display of Christmas CDs. It's September. We had to get some sort of elongated spatula for god knows what. I was forced to eat up several minutes smelling Yankee candles. We were down to mere minutes by the time we got to the checkout counter. The girl ringing up the items seemed sweet and innocent. I checked my watch. Her innocence would be gone in 5 minutes and 23 seconds. A flash of guilt passed through me but I knew there was no turning back. The checkout girl had trouble getting the spatula to scan. Fuck. If she had to call in a price check then time would run out and I, too, would be subjected to the department store apocalypse only 4 minutes away. Obviously being assistant manager material, the girl was fortunately able to key in the price manually. We made it to the parking lot with 2 minutes to spare. We got in the car and I started it up. Now, my shifter choices are P, R, N, D, 1, and 2. Normally I would choose D. Not that night. I got out of the parking spot, skipped D and went directly to 1. I've seen the movie Ronin like 4 times so I know to keep the RPMs up for high performance driving. If an enraged store manger decided to give chase I had to be ready. Pulling away from the store at 20mph (and 5000 RPMs) I checked my watch. 1 minute to go. I looked over at my wife, who was checking the Christmas CD we bought. It was a compilation CD and she asked me if I thought that we might already have some of the songs on other Christmas CDs. Only seconds to go and she asks me about Christmas songs. I was impressed with my wife right then. She hides her fear in a place I cannot see. A last check to my watch showed that the time had come. A check to the rear-view showed no enraged store managers tailing me. Good. Another flash of guilt. My god, what have I done? 30, maybe 35 egg timers had all been set to go off at the same time.
I could see the store further back behind us. While all appeared to be normal on the outside, I knew that, inside, ALL HELL was breaking loose in the Bed Bath And Beyond.